


Just Breathe

by uniquepov



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Community: lewis_challenge, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, International Fanworks Day 2015, M/M, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 21:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3356465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uniquepov/pseuds/uniquepov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James gets seriously injured and Robbie has an epiphany.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Lewis Roulette](http://lewis-challenge.livejournal.com/) and International Fanworks Day 2015.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I do not own Lewis, Hathaway, or any of the others; only the plot is mine, and I make no profit from these scribblings. I'm just playing in Colin Dexter's sandbox for a while.
> 
>  **Author’s Note:** If you’re unfamiliar with the song, I highly recommend that you listen to it [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDvLCwOvT2U). The text of the lyrics can be found [here](http://pearljam.com/music/lyrics/998/live/21135/just_breathe?ref_album_id=18655). My thanks to wendymr, lindenharp and fire_juggler for suggestions, encouragement, and beta reading - any remaining errors are entirely my own.

_Yes I understand that every life must end,_  
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go,  
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands  
The ones I love... 

_Some folks just have one, others they got none…_

_Stay with me... let’s just breathe._

***** *** *****

Robbie sinks into a plastic chair, only to bounce back up and start pacing the confines of the small waiting area. He doesn’t know what’s racing faster, his heart or his swirling brain. The nurse gives him a stern look, which gets him to try sitting again for a moment, but he can’t settle. Not until he talks to the doctor. Until he knows James is safe, he has to keep moving. If he stills, he remembers why he can’t breathe. 

James.

Shouting at him to watch out.

Pushing Robbie out of the way.

Jerking around as the car hit his lower legs, bouncing him up on the bonnet, then rolling off as the car reversed and sped away, squealing tyres not loud enough to disguise the sound of James’s head slamming into the cobbled stones with a sickening thud.

Another person who might be taken from him too soon.

Another person he loves lost to a hit and run driver.

Another person he… loves.

***** *** *****

_Practiced are my sins, never gonna let me win,_  
Under everything, just another human being,  
Yeah, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world  
To make me bleed. 

_Stay with me… you’re all I see._

***** *** *****

Robbie holds vigil beside James’s bed, hands steepled, praying to a God he’s not sure he believes in anymore. His faith was shaken years ago, on a cold December night when he walked away from that morgue in London after identifying Val’s body. He’d reached for his faith then, reached out to God, to the saints and angels and all, trying to make sense of the loss, to find the words to explain to their children, to their families and friends. He’d found words, eventually; empty words that rang false even as he felt the weight of truth crushing him, weighting him down until he felt as though he’d been buried along with Val, handfuls of clumped earth piling upon him until he could no longer draw breath.

When the cold despair finally touched Robbie through the fog of grief surrounding him, he’d turned his back on a God who’d clearly abandoned him and reached out for something else instead. He’d found temporary absolution at the bottom of a bottle, until time and distance brought him a surrogate communion, their alchemy converting his heartbroken anguish into a dull, sorrowful melancholy.

James had changed that. James had fallen into step beside him, the tall, awkward sod shining light into the corners of Robbie’s heart, dislodging shadows that had taken up permanent residence in Robbie’s soul.

***** *** *****

_Did I say that I need you?_  
Did I say that I want you?  
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..  
No one knows this more than me.  
As I come clean. 

***** *** *****

“James.” Robbie’s voice cracks as he tries to speak. James is out of surgery, though the surgeon has said he’s not out of the woods yet. The head trauma is severe, and his brain could still be swelling up inside his skull and causing permanent brain damage. Robbie tries not to think about it, tries to put aside all that might be and focus solely on what is. “James, lad.”

Robbie wants to tell him just how much James means to him, what a difference the lanky sergeant has made in his life. He wants to tell James that he’s been saved, transported by James’s smart-arsed, cleverclogs repartee, by his steady, constant presence at Robbie’s side.

He wants to tell James that he’s never felt this way about anyone before. He’d loved Val beyond all reason, but there’s a clarity to his feelings now, an awareness of the impermanence of life that losing first Morse and then Val had brought home to him. He’d loved Val, yes, and he always would.

He cherishes James.

The thought that he might lose James before he can even say the words aloud is driving a sharp spike of grief straight into Robbie’s heart.

***** *** *****

_I wonder everyday as I look upon your face,_  
Everything you gave and nothing you would take,  
Nothing you would take…  
Everything you gave… 

***** *** *****

“Why did you do it?” Robbie wants to know, keeping vigil by James’s bed, heedless of the hours passing or the rain pelting the windowpanes in angry, staccato bursts. “You sacrificed yourself for me. You’d never have been in harm’s way if you’d stayed put.” Robbie’s voice is hoarse, grated rough by the emotions that are bubbling up inside him. He’s not sure either of them would survive the conflagration if he allowed those feelings to erupt, so Robbie tamps down firmly and holds tight to James’s hand.

***** *** *****

_Did I say that I need you?_  
Did I say that I want you?  
If I didn’t now I’m a fool you see..  
No one knows this more than me.  
I come clean. 

***** *** *****

Robbie takes a deep breath and leans in. He speaks in a rush, as though the words, once loosed, are bursting forth like water from beneath an opened dam. He tells James about the darkness, about loss and fear and the first, faint tendrils of hope he can feel taking root inside him.

He forces himself to believe it’s not too late.

“You have to wake up,” Robbie finally tells him. “I can’t do this without you.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I never told you before, but I can’t, James. I just… I can’t.”

***** *** *****

_Nothing you would take...  
Everything you gave._

***** *** *****

As the hours pass, the doctors and nurses coming and going from James’s bedside look increasingly worried. Robbie’s heart is pounding, and he barely hears the nurse over the roaring in his ears. They’re sending him for more tests. The nurse has a gentle manner and kind eyes as she shepherds Robbie towards the entrance to A&E, telling him that he should get a cuppa and a bite to eat while he waits for James to return.

Robbie plunks himself down in a chair just on the other side of the nurses’ station and glares at her retreating back. 

A voice sounds in his ear. “How is he?”

Robbie nearly jumps a mile as he turns to find Laura standing beside him. One look at Robbie’s face has Laura hurrying to the nurses’ station, flashing her hospital identification and asking to see James’s chart. It feels like an eternity until she returns.

“How much do you know?”

Robbie recounts as much of James’s condition as he can, parroting the doctors’ phrasings to the best of his recollections. He’s prepared to swear that the words are seared into his soul, but he’s not sure he has a soul anymore and knows that the grief he’s already experiencing at the thought of losing James could very well be clouding what little judgement he has. Laura gives him a steady look.

“The results of the secondary scans won’t be back for several hours. Why don’t you go home and get some sleep?” Laura sighs as she realises that not only does Robbie have no intention of going home, but he’s not going to be convinced to leave even long enough to get a cuppa. “Oh, Robbie.”

“Finally figured it out, haven’t I?” Robbie asks, dropping his head back and thudding it against the wall. “How could I have been so blind, all this time? Telling James I wasn’t ready. Trying it on with you.” He takes a breath, blows it out slowly. “Me and you…”

Laura holds up a hand to silence him. “Water under the bridge, Robbie,” she says. Her voice is kind, and Robbie feels a surge of irrational anger. He doesn’t want pity, however well-intentioned. He wants James.

***** *** *****

_Hold me till I die...  
Meet you on the other side._

***** *** *****

It’s an eternity until the doctors allow Robbie back into James’s room, with the now-familiar warnings that James is not yet out of danger, although every hour that passes without further complication is encouraging. Robbie plunks himself down in the chair beside James’s bed, scooping up the hand lying above the coverlet in both his own as he does. Robbie has a surreal moment where he’s startled by the sound of his own voice, he sounds so unlike himself, but he just keeps on talking.

***** *** *****

Robbie startles awake as James shifts restlessly in the bed. He holds his breath for a moment, eyes sharpening as he watches for any signs James is in real distress, but the blond man settles into what seems, to Robbie’s untrained eye, like sleep, rather than the unnatural stillness he’d exhibited before. He lets out the breath he’s holding and draws another, filling his lungs with cool air, barely noticing the cloying scents of hospital disinfectants. He presses the call button at the side of the bed.

A moment later, a nurse hurries in and Robbie explains. She checks James’s vitals and turns to Robbie with a gentle expression, telling him it’s a good sign and that it should only be a matter of time now before James wakes on his own.

Robbie thanks her, but he doesn’t take his eyes off James as the nurse leaves the room.

Robbie focuses on the rise and fall of James’s chest beneath the thin coverlet and allows himself to relax as he realises his own breathing is gradually slowing to match James’s.

“Come back to me, James,” Robbie asks. “I’ve been a blind, bloody fool, but it’s not too late. It can’t be too late.”

James sighs in his sleep, his head turning towards the sound of Robbie’s voice. It’s another good sign, one that has Robbie smiling as he settles back into his chair. It’s not too late. James will wake up, and Robbie will be right here. He’s not going to waste one more moment.


End file.
